I went to confession for the first time today in over a year. As a Catholic I'm supposed to do it every few months but hey, what can I say, I'm lazy. In fact, the only reason I went is that my mom found out I had participated in some choice activities and decided since I'm 19 and she can't really ground me anymore, going to confession would be my own special form of "punishment". As much as I hate to say it though, it helped erase some of the guilt and self-loathing I was feeling. I know you're not supposed to talk about what goes on in confession, but I'm letting you guys in on it this one time. Shh, don't tell the Pope ;) We talked about lying, and how a person can never truly be happy when they are lying. I think this is so true. When I lied to my mom the other day, it just hit me in the pit of my stomach. Knowing that I was willingly going against her will and defying her trust was a real blow. It just didn't feel right. I love my parents so much, and they hold me with such high regard that whenever I disappoint them, I hate myself for it. When I came home that night my mom was so worried, she thought something terrible had happened to me. All I could think of when I told her what happened is that how disappointed I was in myself for putting her in that situation. The last thing I want my parents to think when they look at me is that I disappointed them, in any way. That's probably the main drive behind my near obsessive perfectionism and people pleasing attitude. But I learned that you can't always please everybody, especially by lying to them. Another thing we talked about that relates to that is that I need to take a good look at myself and realize that I am not perfect and there is nothing I can do to change that. Sometimes we have to accept that about ourselves and just make the most out of it. This, I have a very hard time doing. I have a hard time accepting that there are things that I need to change about myself, and that I'm not always going to get things right but that doesn't mean I'm a total screw up.
Now, I'm not going to say that I was enlightened or anything, but these past few days I have come to realize a few things; things that I plan on living by from now on. First of all, that lying to your parents never ever ever works. They will find out. It's a sixth sense or something. Second, that peer pressure is underrated and you should never agree to something that deep down you don't want to do, even if it means pissing off your best friends. And third, that no matter what anyone tells you, nothing is every completely your fault. There are two sides to every story, and each side has a role in what ends up happening.
Who would've thought that one year of college would make me so deep?
